Happily Never After
by foreverchasingthedream
Summary: A one-shot from the point of view of Carla at the time of her attempted suicide. Rated T for suicide references and graphic description.


My head is spinning. All these words flying round. They won't stop.

"It's your fault"

Was is all my fault? From the beginning? I never asked for any of this. I didn't ask to enter this world, to be made to grow up on that estate... With her. She was where it all began. If only it hadn't.

"You made me do it"

Was that what they all thought? Did I make them all do it? Did I make her treat me so badly, was it what I deserved? Did I make Paul go off with prostitute's left, right and centre? Was it all my fault that Liam wasn't here anymore? I pushed him too far and it was too late. He should have been mine to hold forever, did I make Tony kill him? My Liam.

Tony. He had a lucky escape really. He did the damage and then he was gone. He wasn't the one left with all the tortured memories, memories that I can never escape. Thoughts of what could have been if things hadn't turned out so tragically. To think I could have Liam by my side still. I used Tony, used him to make Liam jealous. Ironic really.

"Using me to make your boyfriend jealous"

Boyfriend. I wish I could call him that. He is all I need now. Peter Barlow. When I am with him the world makes sense. I feel human. But he doesn't belong to me. His heart belongs to another. Another who isn't worthy of him. Why do I always want the ones that are taken? Why can I never be satisfied with just rubbing along. Why do I have to make things difficult. I suppose I just bring it upon myself. I'm a disaster zone. They're all better off without me.

I just about manage to stand up from the dining room table, the room is spinning but that doesn't stop me. I make a beeline for the vodka bottle. I know that at the end of everyday it will be there for me, when everybody else has gone and left me. It has always been my constant.

I take a gulp straight from the bottle. It burns as it soars down my throat. But not a painful burning, a comfort. The comfort of feeling something, anything rather than this numbness. As the fireball reaches the pit of my stomach I pause. Even with this raging deep within me I am cold. Cold and empty.

I need to see him. I need to feel Peter's arms, wrapped tightly around me. Only then do I feel that everything will be ok. That things could get better, he is the light at the end of my tunnel. A tunnel that has caved. I stumble towards the door, falling into as I go. It is only then that I freeze completely. Terrified.

He's there. I can feel him. His hand gripped tightly around my neck forcing my against the solid door. My head urging me to run and scream but my body frozen in time. I have no escape. I am trapped, trapped in everything I wish I wasn't.

It is only when I hear the vodka bottle smashing on the floor that I am wrenched back to reality. A reality that I didn't want anymore.

To the outside world I have it all. A booming business, a nice flat, financial security, men falling at my feet. But I don't want that. I want something I can't have. A man that for now I can't hold in my arms. I have been longing for that day but now it will never come. It's too late now.

I make my way back over to the table. Sinking back into the chair. A chair that wasn't even mine anymore. I didn't have anything. This flat wasn't mine, it was just a hollowed out shell containing everything I wish to forget. The people, the memories, the feelings.

I lean back into the seat, staring through the door to my bedroom. A room where so many passionate moments had taken place. That was once a place of pure happiness and pleasure, now it is tainted with memories that haunt my every moment.

As I stare aimlessly into the room something catches my eye. It is the light reflected onto a bottle. Not a bottle that would numb my pain for a short time, a bottle that would end my pain. Tablets I had been given to soothe my exhausted body. But I am no longer just physically exhausted but emotionally exhausted too. I cannot continue being the tough woman that everyone expects me to be. I am a woman so fractured behind the eyes that I cannot comprehend a future with this, I am just a woman crumbling inside. I want to be soothed until it stops and there is only one way for that to happen.

The words are still whirling around my head. Cruel words tainted my every breath.

"You're a waste of skin"

I try to focus on something else. Anything. Paul, Liam, Trev, Tony, Frank, Peter. All the possible maybes that could have been if I hadn't been there to ruin them all. All that I could have had. All the happy endings that can never be. I could have had the world but I always wanted what I couldn't have and now I'm paying the price.

My eyes are once again drawn back to the bottle. I slowly stand, adjusting to the feeling, my head spinning more than I remember. I slowly begin to make my way getting ever closer to the release that I need. As I reach the bed I sink into it, feeling the softness of the sheets beneath me. A stark contrast to the feelings within this ice queen.

I slowly reach over to the jar, taking it into my hand and hearing its contents fall around, the sound piercing the deafening silence within my flat.

I make my way back towards the kitchen. My next move in my desperate quest for my end. My calm. My ever after. I find yet another vodka bottle, this one half empty. Another remind of another lonely moment after another disaster. It is the only option I have. My only way out. I unscrew the lid and take another lengthy swig of the acidic liquid. I feel relieved at this familiar feeling, a feeling that had been there through my darkest moments.

After a moment I slump down onto the floor, still grasping the vodka in one hand, sleeping pills in the other. As I sit on the cold floor I begin to unscrew the lid, hearing each click of the cap bringing on more relief, knowing that all too soon it would be over.

I open the palm of my hand and gently pour out the tiny white pills. They fill my hand and then I sit there. I stare at them. The way they were glistening in the light. Their softness, ironic given their consequences.

This was it. I pause for a moment. I sudden wave of calm passing over me.

I reach for the bottle but I was now in no hurry. I was savoring the control that I now held. They had all tried to take my control away. Told me what to do, not to start my business, not to be with Liam, not to believe Tony. They even told me not to be with Frank. But I ignored them all, played by my own rules. Even Peter tried to control me. Told me drinking was bad. What did he know? He's a flamin' alcoholic. He had no right to try and run my life, not when he had rejected me. He made that choice and now he would have to live with the consequences.

I held the vodka in my mouth, it was burning my mouth but what did that matter. Then slowly I lift my hand to meet the stone cold feeling of my lips. Lips that's had felt more love and pain than any should. A gently open my mouth feeling the pills one by one become engulfed in the fire within my mouth. I gently let the tablets roll around my mouth. Feeling the small, rounded objects whirl around until I couldn't take it any further.

I pause for a second longer. Then I swallow back hard.

That was it. It was done. I was done.

I heave myself up from the cold hard ground with a newfound lightness. I no longer felt weighed down by my thoughts of the past. They seem to have disappeared as quickly as the sleeping pills disappeared into my body.

I make my way through to the bathroom. Out lay my toothbrush, just there ready for its next use. I gaze around; the shower gel, the new bubble bath, the scented bath bombs. All such normal things, things I would never feel again. I look deeply into the mirror. Knowing this would be the last time I would see this sight. A sight so tortured and scarred from a lifetime of misery and heartache. But then I see a small smile begin to creep onto my lips. I don't know why I'm smiling. Surely this is a time for tears and regret. But my only regret is not doing this sooner.

With that I close the bathroom door, like I was closing the door of my life. My eyes are beginning to feel heavy. And I need to rest.

I resume my position, sprawled across the floor. I curl myself up, holding my legs tightly to my chest, the warmth of my own embrace. Even in my last moments I was alone with no one but myself to rely on. As I hold myself I feel an awkward pressing in my leg. I reach down and pull out my phone. I press the home button and in that moment my eyes are burning and all my thoughts are back with me. Just one thought in particular. Peter.

All the guilt that I had so recently forgotten came flooding back to me, stronger than before. If this was it I needed to say goodbye to him, wish him well and make him know that despite everything I loved him and was grateful for all that he had done for me.

I am rapidly becoming more tired and the simple pressing of the button on my phone was a major challenge. I eventually heard the dialing tone and I knew that within a matter of moments I would have what I needed so desperately. The sound of Peter, his voice would be laced with concern, a concern that soon would not be me.

I am suddenly faced with a barrage of harsh words from Leanne. I can feel myself slipping away now and I have to say...

"Goodbye"

Goodbye to the man who taught me what love was again after I had lost everything.

My eyes are becoming heavier and heavier and with that I take one last gaze around the flat. The flat that had held my best times, my worst times, my passionate times, my weak times, my lovers, my family, my death.

I close my eyes and fall into a very peaceful sleep. A sleep that will take me back to where I belong. The arms of My Liam


End file.
